Jeff E – “You’re Going to Find Out Who Jeff Is”

My name is Jeff and I’m an addict. My clean date is November 3, 2015 and I am grateful to all of those at Mountainside for giving me the courage and support in getting me to where I am today.

I spent forty-seven years in active addiction, and as with many of us, I’ve caused a great deal of harm and created a lot of wreckage along the way. Like most I’ve carried the burden of anger, dishonesty, resentments, denial, fear, self-pity selfishness, arrogance and envy on my back for decades. My addiction caused me to get beat up, shot at, stabbed and thrown in jail. I’ve overdosed, been fired, had material things repossessed, stolen, cheated and lied to everyone, about anything and everything. I’ve experienced the guilt, shame and remorse for things that I’ve brought on myself and others. I’ve overdosed a number of times, been to a number of detoxes and a few other rehabs. Each time that I was released from or just left from those places I found that I was still stuck with myself, bankrupt of the will to accept that I was an addict and needed help. Every time I would return to what I knew, drugs and alcohol and the people, places and things that went with it.

Eventually, with a lot of prodding from my wife and daughters, I agreed to go to Mountainside. I had a moment of clarity that I didn’t have another chance left, it was a do or die moment. Upon arriving, I was met by the loving and caring folks at admissions and eventually into prescreening and ultimately into detox. Dazed and confused, I was given some meds and allowed to settle in. Early the next morning I met with the clinicians and counselor it was made crystal clear that I had three days on detox meds and then said “you’re going to find out who Jeff is.” Full of fear but knowing I was at the end of the road, I stayed — my journey began and what a ride it has been.

In Residential, I was assigned to the Hawk Group and the first week was hell. I couldn’t hear, speak, eat or sleep. My mind was mush and I had trouble controlling my emotions and bodily functions. Slowly the fog lifted and I could participate in the group. Our focus was on mind, body and spirit, the obsessive-compulsive behavior of addiction and spiritual sickness, the void that plagues addicts.

I came to realize my first and last thought everyday was about the finding and getting drugs, and when I had them I couldn’t stop using. As we say in NA, “one is too many, a thousand is never enough.” This obsessive-compulsive behavior controlled every aspect of my life for 47 years. I put the use of drugs first, before my family, my job, finances, and society. I was a taker and would go to any length to take more.

As part of our group activities we spent a fair amount of time at Mountainside’s chapel. Initially I was full of fear, overwhelmed to go inside the chapel, the guilt and shame of what I had done, all the lies, cheating and stealing, sacrificing my wife and children’s well being over my addiction. It was too much, I couldn’t do it, instead I sat on the front porch trembling and weeping.

I didn’t grow up in organized religion, instead viewed God as a taker, the wrath of God, that God would punish me for my behavior, that God would strike me dead and send me to hell for being a cheat, thief and a liar. I experienced, what at the time I thought, was the wrath God in 1985, when my brother died in a car crash. My thoughts were how could this so-called loving God take my brother and best friend away. My battle with God continued for 30 years until I found the strength to pray for guidance inside that chapel and spent hours walking the labyrinth, seeking forgiveness and acceptance for the things I’ve done including blaming God for my brothers misfortunes. Miraculously my burdens felt lighter, I started to see the light. My higher power was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself: I started getting out of my own way and found a true spiritual experience.

Our group talked a lot about finding forgiveness and learning to love your self. I ended up spending a great amount of time both in the chapel and on the front porch contemplating how on earth I had gotten myself into such a mess. I realized I was not alone, that there were thousands of addicts that had sat in those very seats with the same sadness, guilt and shame for what they had done as well as thousands of souls who visited this chapel in the one hundred odd years before Mountainside existed, all of them seeking guidance. It gave me hope that one day I would find peace and a way to unconditionally forgive myself. I would be able to embrace and love who I am and what the world offers. I began to understand the spiritual aspect of life and the voice I had silenced in my soul caused by my addiction. It was a spiritual awakening.

I ended up staying at Mountainside for 45-50 days doing the work, meeting with the pastor and the rest of the therapeutic community. I had found the strength to become honest and participate in my recovery. At the suggestions of Mountainside’s counselors, I joined an IOP and started to go to meetings. AA at first until I made the decision that I belonged in NA. Which, in retrospect was the best decision of my life. My home group, The Gift of Today in Exeter, New Hampshire is proof that understanding and applying our spiritual principles, getting a sponsor, doing step work and being of service truly works.

Experiencing the gentle revival of spiritual awareness by participating in my home group coupled with the spiritual experience of working the steps is without parallel. NA allowed me to seek a higher power of my understanding in very private, unspeakable, and wonderful way. It helped me to get over myself and my self-seeking behavior. The pain of my obsessive-compulsive behavior has been lifted, my perspective has shifted, and practicing our spiritual principles in everyday life has made me realize the hole in my soul has mended, I’m able to love and be loved. I’ve learned to get out of my own way and found the grace to surrender daily without reservation.

Putting my recovery first, being of service, helping the newcomers, becoming a sponsor, doing H & I commitments, just walking the walk is a great lesson in humility. Acknowledging that I too was the newcomer once is a great reminder to get over myself, that I am not important as I think. It brings me back; reminded of the time my higher power sat my ass down in Mountainside’s chapel.

Gratitude is another of the great gifts that I learned at Mountainside. A longtime employee who’s name escapes me but someone I will never forget always asked me to name five things I was grateful for each day. I would swear he would single me out, but he actually kept me thinking, things aren’t as bad as they appear. Gratitude is not just a mood, but also a course of action. Humility and gratitude work hand in hand they help me to say thanks and to be grateful for the peace I have come to know. Thank you Mountainside in giving me my deep-seated roots. Wishing everyone all the best. Never forget.

– Jeff E