Johnny D – Finding My Way Back Home

I came back to treatment humbled.

I first found recovery in 2008. NA gave me something I had never truly experienced before: genuine connection. I built a network of people who understood me, supported me, and helped me grow. Recovery gave me a new life.

In 2013, I started working at Mountainside. It felt like a dream come true. I was surrounded by professionals who were forward-thinking and deeply committed to clients. I went back to school and graduated twice. I started a family. Life was moving forward in ways I once thought were impossible.

But somewhere along the way, after nine and a half years clean, I slowly began to lose sight of my recovery.

There’s a saying in recovery: Anything you put before your recovery, you will lose. That became true for me. The very blessings recovery had given me began to evaporate. It wasn’t an overnight collapse. It was gradual. I struggled quietly for a couple of years until I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. I reached a place where I felt like I couldn’t keep using, but I also didn’t want to live.

I reached out to Mountainside for help, and they welcomed me with open arms.

I will never forget walking through those doors and being so physically and emotionally depleted that I could barely stand. A nurse, Jen, held me up and hugged me. That moment broke something open in me. When I woke up in detox and realized the person taking my blood pressure was a former client who now worked at Mountainside, I felt the full weight of humility. My recovery had come full circle in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

After trying to do it my way again, I finally returned to the basics. I reconnected with people in recovery. I went to therapy. I committed to medication-assisted treatment and stayed on Vivitrol for a year. I stopped trying to outthink the disease and started practicing recovery again.

Because I was grounded in recovery, I was able to excel professionally. I carried the values and skills I learned at Mountainside with me wherever I went.

Then one day, something small but meaningful happened. I couldn’t log into my work computer. I realized I had instinctively typed in my old Mountainside username and password. Later that same day, I received a call from Patrick “Big Pat” McCarthy asking if I would ever consider coming back.

During my interview, Paul D’Angelo said something that will stay with me forever: “We just want you to come back home.”

That’s what Mountainside is to me, home.

Today, my journey has come full circle. When a client returns to treatment feeling ashamed or defeated, I am often the first to tell them there is no shame in coming back. I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to lose your footing after years of sobriety. I also know what it feels like to rebuild.

Recovery has given me everything back and more. One of my favorite lines from the AA literature says, “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.” To me, that means there is always a solution that doesn’t involve using. Recovery gives us the ability to step up to the plate instead of running from life.

My purpose is clear today: to help others overcome addiction and find their way home just like I did.

Recovery isn’t about never falling. It’s about getting back up, reconnecting, and remembering that we never have to do this alone.

And today, I am grateful to be home.